


The shape of love

by younoknowme93



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bottom Severus Snape, Dom/sub Play, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Past Rape/Non-con, Top Harry Potter, Verbal Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:28:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28280907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/younoknowme93/pseuds/younoknowme93
Summary: Severus Snape and Harry Potter navigate the difficulties of intimacy between a man who craves abuse and another who wants nothing more than to treat their lover gently.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 4
Kudos: 172





	The shape of love

**Author's Note:**

> Marry Christmas Eve to all of my ducklings. Today is going to be difficult for me. I finished up this story and decided to post it. My plans on this day are to visit my grandmother briefly and then do what I can to pass the time alone. I never cared for Christmas. Coming from a divorced household made the entire notion of christmas just a bother. So many family gatherings and socializing with people I only saw twice a year. I never cared for it, and when my step mother- my absolute closest friend- passed away three years ago today... it only makes it harder to see the magic in this season. I still grieve. I likely always will. I try to not be bitter. I try to not dwell over the pit of just unhappiness inside of me. It feels like she's only been gone a moment, but also like she's been gone a lifetime. I want to think all of my loyal readers though. I can never express how thankful I am to all of you for your support. There were days where the only thing keeping me from unspeakable actions was the kind comments on these stories. I hope you all remain safe during this holiday season. I love all of you. Onward my ducklings.

“You are so fucking disgusting Snivillious.” It’s Potter. But not James. Harry Potter. The cursed and blessed ‘boy who lived’. “Everyone hates you.” Everyone _does_ hate me. “You should be grateful that I’m lowering myself to even touch you.” I _am_ grateful. “Look at your puny dick. Are you even a man? It looks more like a clit than a dick. Even if you could find someone willing to look at your ugly face every day, you would never be able to please anyone with something this small.”

“I’m sorry.” I say weakly.

“Yes, you are sorry. Sorry, and pathetic. No wonder my mom chose my dad over you. No one would choose you over anyone.”

“I know.” I say. He bites my shoulder hard enough to draw blood.

“Then how dare you get aroused right now. Do you think I want to see your miniscule dick get a little bigger? Do you think you are permitted to feel pleasure ever in your life?” Before I can respond he continues. “You don’t deserve to be happy.” I really don’t. He sneers in disgust, and it almost makes the charming boy not look like himself. “I’ve lost interest in touching you. Spread your pasty legs, and touch yourself.” Humiliation washes over me. I hate myself. I hate being seen like this. I hate being looked at like I’m unworthy. When I don’t respond fast enough, he slaps my side hard. “What did I tell you to do Faggot?”

“I’m sorry.” Is all I can say. I can’t look at him as I prod my anus. It’s loose from all the times he’s stretched me out. Bigger and bigger toys until I’m left with a piss poor excuse for an anus. He actually smiles at me. His eyes look at me with lust before he hides the desire behind disgust. 

“Your ass is so loose; do you really think you would be able to make me feel good?” No. I can’t. “You’ll never be good enough for me.” I’ll never be good enough. “Enough, let’s get this over with.” He flips me on my stomach. “Keep your ass in the air, and don’t you dare moan Snivillious.” In one brutal motion he takes me. Uncaring of my body, he plunges inside hard and fast. Like an animal rutting, he takes what he wants from me and it feels good. His hand grips my throat and now it’s even harder to breathe. Fingers press so hard into my jugular than he is sure to leave bruises. “Beg me.” He demands. “Beg me like the worthless excuse for a man you are.”

“H..Harry, please fuck me.” His hand leaves my neck only to wrap in my hair and savagely yank.

“Is that the best you can do? And I said keep your ass up. This is the only thing you are reasonably good for. I didn’t keep you out of Azkaban so that you could be so frigid. Beg me like a whore. Tell me how undeserving you are to have my cock inside of you.”

“I don’t deserve to be touched by you. I didn’t deserve for you to save me from Azkaban. I didn’t deserve to survive. I don’t deserve to feel good.” It hurts. My chest aches. Tears are dripping on the sheets below me. “I deserve to die. I deserve to be alone.” I can feel him going soft inside me and he exhales tiredly. “I’m sorry.” I say, because that’s the only thing I’m ever able to say.

“Severus.” His voice is so gentle. He pulls me to him and it feels good to be pressed against his chest. His hand smooths my hair and he’s gently rocking me. “Why do you do this to yourself Severus?” 

“It’s fine, keep going.”

“No. Damn it, Severus, this isn’t healthy. I… I hate saying such awful things to my husband. You keep telling me that this is what you like, but I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can feel good being degraded and treated in a way you don’t deserve.”

“Please don’t stop now Harry. Just. A little more.” My fist tightens in his shirt. “Harry, please. I need this. I know you don’t understand, but I need this.”

This is nothing more than a play of sorts. Everything. I told him everything. I gave him all of my weaknesses. Insecurities. Fears. I need this. And I need it from him.

“Once I’m bored of you, I’m going to leave you.” He pushes me off of him like I’m a leper. “And I’ll never think about you again. You don’t have anything to offer anyone. A puny dick and a gaping cunt. No one will ever want you.”

“Yes.” I had to give him every tool that will hurt me. I’m awful asking such a kind man to do and say cruel things. I always tell him that I need this, though I can never explain why. He is constantly asking me why I ask for this. He is constantly trying to decrease this behavior. But when I ask him to continue, and tell him I need this, he always caves. Because more than anything, Harry Potter loves me.

“On your back.” I follow his order immediately. “Now, spread your legs and show me your hole.” Humiliating. It’s humiliating to show him this side of me. I hook my arms under my knees and spread myself for him. He moans lustily before shaking it away. “Disgusting.” His thumbs spread my hole and I can feel his hot breath against him. “You are so…” His tongue presses inside. He’s sucking my anus and instinctively it twitches because my body knows his. “All of you is so…” He tongues me deeper and moans. “Gross. You. I hate.” 

He reluctantly pulls away and undresses completely. Slowly pumping himself, he never breaks eye contact. This isn’t the first time I’ve thought that he is beautiful. Lean muscles from all his time as an Auror. It’s been ten years since the war ended. That time has done a lot of good for his body. All of his boyish looks faded in those ten years until all that was left was a man. A man with kind hands and confident eyes. 

After the war, he saved me from Azkaban. Without any ulterior motives, he saved me with an easy smile. He told me that I was free to live my life now. I was surprised that he began searching me out for conversation. Our relationship didn’t happen overnight. Then one day, two years into our friendship, he came over for our usual visit. He was unnaturally nervous, and I didn’t understand why. He smiled at me gently and took his chair. He held his hands in his lap and looked down at them. Softly he began to tell me how he can’t go any longer without telling me. It was then that he confessed looking more nervous than I have ever seen him look.

I immediately turned him down and ordered him out of my house because I would not be deceived into something as cruel as a relationship.

Him straddling me pulls me from my thoughts. His erection is only a centimeter from me and my mouth Is already watering. “Severus, I want you to just use your tongue.” 

He tastes so _good_.

“You are so good at this.” He’s petting me affectionately and he’s torn. I know every part of him wants to treat me gently, but I need the opposite. He yanks my hair and it hurts my scalp. He slams down my throat until I can’t breathe. “It’s no wonder you are so good at this. You’ve had a lot of practice after all.” Not this. I hate… I hate this. I hate this and he knows I hate this. “All of those death eater meetings. You let them use you like an object. You spread your legs and let them defile you.” Remembering makes me sick. “And you liked it. You liked being touched.” I hated how good it would feel. I was being raped, but my sick body would always get off to it.

I didn’t _want_ to feel good.

“I’m sorry.” I say when he lets me breathe again. “I’m so sorry.” I try to calm the rising emotions. I press my arm over my eyes and try to stop the tears from coming, but it’s already to late. It was to late years ago. 

“Severus.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He kisses my arm and forcibly removes it. 

“Severus. None of that was your fault.”

“But I did. I did feel good.”

“I know you did.”

“And I hated it. I hated it so much, but I couldn’t help it. I would always get… hard. And being defiled. Being hurt. Degraded. It felt so good. I would always… every single time I would cum. Harry, what’s wrong with me.” My voice breaks. “Why did it feel good!”

“Severus.” My name is said so gently. He’s the only one who has ever said my name like it was beautiful. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You are so inexperienced. What they did to you was very confusing. I hate saying things that I know will hurt you. I’m only doing it for you. Because you seem to want it so bad. But I just don’t understand why Severus.” He kisses me and I feel like I could completely melt. “All I want to do is treat you gently.”

“Harry. Please. Don’t stop now. I need…” His fingers press against my lips. 

“I don’t think you do need this.” He kisses my shoulder. “I don’t think you know what you need.”

“Harry please.” I beg. “I do.. I do. And I… please.” He smiles at me and I should feel ashamed making someone- who clearly loves me so genuinely- ‘mistreat’ me. 

“Severus. Stop.” He grabs my hand and squeezes it affectionately. “I’ll give you what you need. I’ll take care of you. Always.” He smiles and his pure eyes fill me with calm. “But it’s going to be on my terms this time.” He kisses me again. “We will figure this out. A way for you to get what you need in a way that doesn’t break you quite so bad. And if this doesn’t work then we will try a different way. However many times it takes. Whatever you need, I’ll do my best to make sure you get.” 

I’m pulled against his strong solid chest and I feel like it’s the only place I can easily breathe. If I told him how needy I am, would it scare him away. If I told him how unstable I always feel, would he run.

I already know the answer. He’s seen me at my very worst and yet he’s still smiling at me as if I were something worth his time and energy.

I watch him comfortably lean against the head of the bed. He isn’t at all modest like me. He doesn’t attempt to hide his bobbing erection or his flushed skin. And me. All I want to do is to hide. Every time. No matter how many times he’s seen me. Or touched me. Every time I just want to hide as much of myself as possible. 

He pats the bed in front of him. “Come here Severus.” And I do. Because I would follow any command he gives me. I fall into his outstretched arms, his lips press behind my ear. “Ride me.” 

“Harry. Not that.” He kisses the same spot again. “Harry… I don’t… please.”

“Ride me.” He says again. It’s a gentle order. We both know I will. Though there is no control in his tone, I will always concede to him. His hands on my hips to aid with balance, I do as he wishes. It’s so uncomfortable to take the lead, but it’s so easy to take him fully. I already feel like a mess. “Keep going Severus.” His hands cup my bottom encouraging me by pushing me up and down.

I don’t like it. I don’t like having this much control. I don’t like being in charge of the pace. I don’t like it. I don’t like it.

“Keep going Severus.” It’s humiliating. “You are such a mess.” The words are said in a light affectionate way. “I have no idea what I’m going to do with you.”

“Harry. Please. I don’t like this.” It feels so good.

“Keep going. Don’t stop until I say that you can.” His clear eyes can see every flaw. Every doubt. Every thing I detest about myself. “You look so beautiful.” To bad he’s fucking blind. “You just got a lot tighter around me.”

“No more Harry. Please something else.” It’s to raw. To vulnerable. I hate it. I hate it.

“Everything is perfectly fine. Just keep going just like that. Widen your legs more. Don’t hide anything from me.” I hate it. I hate it. “Go on now. I want to see where we are connected.” I love it.

“Harry… I… ohh Merlin. I’m going to… I… I’m going to..”

“A complete and utter mess.” But he looks at me with such love and acceptance. I can’t withstand it. “I have you Severus. I always have you.” No more. To sensitive. To much. “You look so beautiful when you cum.”

“D.. Don’t look!”

“Of course I’m going to look. It’s your fault. You agreed to marry me. You knew what you were getting into.” Even as my body convulses through my orgasm he holds me and continues to whisper nothings in my ear. Words and confessions that make my body feel warm and tingly- even though I’ll never confess that. After several minutes of regaining my breath he kisses the top of my head. “You’ve never finished so fast before.”

“I’m sorry. You still haven’t.”

“Next time. You can take care of me next time. But just stay like this for now. Was that… close to what you need?” He doesn’t understand. Not for lack of trying though. Truthfully even I don’t really know what I need. Sex. Intimacy. I’ve asked him to do some awful things to me. Verbal abuse in the bedroom is a much tamer example. I once had him wrap his hands tightly around my throat and squeeze till I passed out. He hated ever second of it. Though he was able to hide his distaste during, just as I was losing consciousness, I saw the look on his face. 

I don’t get off on being hurt. It’s not that. I don’t want to be mistreated. But I just can’t relax otherwise. Even when it feels good I seldom am able to get hard. I always feel dirty. Dirty and awkward. 

“Please. I want you to finish too.” He kisses my jaw line but doesn’t allow me to move.

“Just stay like this Severus. Let me hold you.” I’m folded against him securely. “Severus.” He says my name without any desire for me to respond. He says my name as if all he desires is to taste the syllables on his lips. “You didn’t answer. Was that even close to what you need?”

“I don’t know.” I find myself biting the palm of my hand to keep from collapsing into myself. I always feel broken after sex. Undeserving. In most situations, I cannot even become aroused or in some cases stay aroused. Sometimes I cum after making him say and do things that he himself has gone soft over, but the rarity of me actually finishing is definitely not the norm. 

I’ve gotten him off before on nights where nothing could make my body respond, but Harry doesn’t have interest when I am unable to participate. 

We live a mostly celibate life.

I can only become aroused when I’m mistreated it would seem, and those same acts make him go soft. 

I hate sex. I hate intimacy.

But I want to be part of his life. He’s never made me feel lacking when I was unable to meet his expectations in the bedroom. I know that he’s bloody off his rocker in love with me and has more than once stated that a celibate life with me is just as fulfilling as a noncelibate life.

I scoffed and threw some jab or other at him, but it was comforting to hear. 

“Severus.” He says my name again. “I love you.”

“I know you do.” His fingers lightly press into the muscles of my lower back in a clear invitation to settle in for the night. He has no intention of continuing. He has no intention of trying again. Once again his concerns fall to me and my comfort. “I’m sorry.” It feels like it’s all I can say. He pursued me for a long time before I caved. I tried repeatedly scaring him off in harsher and harsher ways. Being ruder. Evasive. And eventually even completely honest. I remember clearly telling him that I’m so fucked up the only thing I would be able to give him is a life of complication and irritation.

He smiled at me and looked at me with his pure eyes. With the smile still on his face, he told me that he knew I was the most infuriating man even before he fell in love with me, and that still wasn’t enough to change his mind. 

I don’t deserve him.

“This is enough.” He says. “All I ever wanted Severus was to be close to you. To be someone special to you. You finished this time, and you didn’t get soft. I was even able to say sweet things to you. I’m happy. We can figure out the rest Severus. As long as I have you, I will do anything I can for you.”

“I love you.” He squeezes me tighter. 

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you Severus.”

“You must have killed someone in your past life, that’s the only thing I can think of that makes you deserve to be saddled with me.” He kisses me deeply and tangles his fingers in my hair.

“Severus you don’t give yourself enough credit. You my love, are a catch. Powerful. Talented. Intelligent. The hardest worker I’ve ever met.” He kisses me again. “Strikingly beautiful.” I don’t like how he’s talking. It makes me feel uncomfortable. “Severus.” His hand lays on top of my hip. “Whatever you need, that’s what I’ll give you. We can take our time and figure everything out at our own pace.”

I still don’t know the answer. Neither of us do. Maybe our relationship will unravel with time. Maybe we will eventually have to go our separate ways. Maybe our individual needs will prove our love to be fruitless.

Harry pulls me tighter against him and cradles my head against his chest. It’s warm and comforting. 

I’m not an easy lover to please, but Harry doesn’t seem discouraged. He’s a good man. I truly love him. 

“Harry?” I whisper his name against his chest. He doesn’t stir though. That’s fine. I hate being vulnerable. I hate closing myself off from him. As long as it’s Harry though…

I don’t know what will happen, but with him by my side, any outcome is fine. 


End file.
